I simply cannot get the story from Genesis 32, Jacob and the angel, out of my mind.
Jacob wrestling God–refusing to let go, unless he was blessed.
This has always been a somewhat confusing story to me, but I think it has only been in this current moment of my life that I am finally able to unwrap it a bit more.
Because I too, desire a blessing.
And there is nothing I can do, no place I can go, no one that I can cling to, except to God to get me through this period of wrangling and stretching–book writing at its finest.
What strikes me most about this story as I read it fresh is the tenacity of Jacob.
What a statement of faith.
It reminds me of my boys and how they climb on Shawn’s back for evening pony rides, which always, always turns into bucking bronco rides (making my own heart pitter-patter a bit). As they bump and bounce, twist and turn, they sing out,
“I’m holding on,
I’m holding on,
I’m never letting go,
I’m holding on!”
Side note: If you come from a household of four year-olds, I’m sure this Cat In The Hat (PBS morning show) song will be familiar!
In a similar way, I too, stretch out my grubby hand to grasp God,
I will not let go.
I absolutely will not,
let go without a blessing.
Because I, through my limited, wavering faith still know that it is only God who can see me through this process.
I refuse to feel overwhelmed by this process, because I know it is only God that has the power to save me from myself.
And so I wrestle and refuse to let go.
But even Jacob, who after receiving a blessing, does not leave unscathed. His hip was touched and he leaves blessed, but with a limp.
This writing process is difficult–it is so hard to write. Let me clarify–I can write thousands of pages…but is it what I’m supposed to write? Yes, the agonizing part (and utterly holy part) is in the listening. It is in the pausing and allowing the space to emerge what is supposed to emerge (while fighting the urge out of fear to just fill the page). Yet there is no other way.
And when I pause and write what I am really supposed to write, I am not left the same.
For I have seen the face of God.
I apologize, my friends, for not keeping up this blog as much as I want. It is not appropriate to have a blog and write on it 1x per month. But it is all I can give while I listen to what emerges for my book and stay on deadline for this.
Hang in there with me faithful readers. Gird up your own spandex and wrestle with me, and for me.
Because you are not going to hear from me for awhile.
My next blog post will be the announcement that my manuscript is done in the finished form. I say this as an act of faith of believing that which is unseen.
Because I refuse to shy away from this call.
I refuse to shy away from this wrangling nor the pain–for it is at this cross section that I meet God and I am blessed.
And in this blessing of meeting, I can share this blessing with the world.
That we all might be blessed.
Oh how I cling.
What are blessing are you cleaving for today?
May you know that the arms of the One who fights for you holds you close.